Stephen Colbert On Election Results: In Accordance With Florida Law, Charlie Christ Will Be Forced On A Plane & Flown To Marthas Vineyard

Stephen Colbert went live with The Late Show Tuesday to report on the election, take a few swipes at Gov. Ron DeSantis and to show off some prognosticating chickens from the Midterms Projection Coop.

Kicking off at 11:35 p.m. ET (though New Yorkers didn’t join until several minutes later due to Governor Kathy Hochul’s acceptance speech), Colbert touched on all the major races, including Georgia’s high-profile Senate race. “It is so tight. This race could be decided by a margin of error of plus or minus Herschel Walker’s secret children.”

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He then gave a tip of the hat to victor Chuck Schumer. “In a shocker, the Senate race has been called for majority leader Chuck Schumer. And out of respect for his opponent’s political demise, Schumer will be wearing his glasses at half-mast.”

Here’s a sampling of Colbert’s other yucks from his opening monologue:

“Democrat Charlie Christ has been defeated by MAGA wannabe and 2024 hopeful Ron DeSantis. And now in accordance with Florida law, Charlie Christ will be forced on a plane and flown to Martha’s Vineyard.”

“It looks like Republican Marco Rubio has defeated Democratic rising star Val Demings. Demings was on the short list to be Joe Biden’s running mate while Rubio is on the short list for being short.”

“The Vermont Senate race has wrapped up and Democrat Peter Welch is the winner at 75. Welch is the oldest person ever elected to a first term as U.S. Senator. However, at 75, he will also be one of the youngest members of the Senate.”

“Over in Indiana, incumbent GOP Senator Todd Young has won reelection without the 45th president’s endorsement, making him one of the most successful Republicans who have zero support from the former president. The least successful? Eric.”

“If the Democrats lose the house, Nancy Pelosi will be replaced by Kevin McCarthy, a guy who is on tape after January 6th, asking for the ex-president to be removed from office. But instead, three weeks later, he removed his own balls and hand delivered them to Mar-a-Lago.”

“If McCarthy is elected speaker, one of the first things on his party’s agenda is revenge over the January 6th committee. they plan to subpoena members of the select committee, particularly Liz Cheney. Hey, GOP, I know you’re feeling confident, but are you sure you wanna mess with the Cheneys? If you mess with the Liz, you may awaken the Dick. Remember the shotgun to the face? That’s how he treats his friends. Long has he slumbered, oh, how he hungers. You won’t hear him coming because he doesn’t have a heartbeat.”

And then came the chickens.

Colbert’s guest for the night was CBS News anchor John Dickerson.

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